国王或乞丐

终于完了。挣扎的每一刹那，每个欢笑，焦虑，愤怒，不满，不爽，开心，沉醉，做梦，也应该结束了。但是，所谓的设计，是不会在此结束，或停止。

睡一觉醒，除了后悔喝那杯咖啡，有更多的情绪纠结在一起形从一种诸塞的感觉。其实也没什么，只是过了一会儿，一个人冲凉了去吃饭，有一种想哭的感觉。很模糊的原因，或甚至说，好像什么都可以变成原因，纯粹想找个借口哭一哭。其实想说，我受够了，可是又感觉自己还不甘心，还想再继续感受多一些。嘛，矛盾。

人生本来就很矛盾。有时候也是很讨厌自己吧，总是衡量不到别人言语中的认真成分，我承认这点我很失败。结果就把全部人的全部话语当真，真是无可救药。反正受伤害都是你活该啦育婵，以后你才不会再犯，随便就去相信别人。
“记得自我保护，必要时候讲些善意谎言……”这样，才是自救之道。
当站在空空如也的约定地点，我才终于知道，太认真是我输了。像个傻子一样一大早很有冲劲的赶去，结果这就是，我的下场。

不是第一次了。

或许在别人眼中很奇怪，但是我，就是走不出这个模式。

除了这个让我很伤心，当然也有别的。整体上其实就跟预料的一样，可是我莫名的失望了。原本也是没什么感觉，最后一秒才放好东西，也是预料的啦。对于这样的结果，是我之前做错了决定，才会如此。有坦白的接受了，可是如果时间可以重来…………这倒没关系，下次吧。就当作，是教训，好好学习。

只不过，又多了一个SS的“作品”。
没有打破，那个无形的牢狱。

为何事情会这样，也不能怪别人，到头回来也要看看自己。
所发生的事情，都是有原因的。我更肯定自己想要做的事情。

突然觉得，以自己能力去设计，去传达的人，真的太厉害了。在我朋友之中也有这样的人才，其实很为他们开心。看到众人对自己作品热烈回响，相信任何设计师都会开心。我看在眼里，也能感受到。只是突然沮丧起来，因为我太胆小，错失了一个“试验和考验自己点子的机会”。感觉就是，朋友们都向前了，就只有自己还在原地，不知要怎么做才能向前追上他们。我也，想变得那么厉害啊。

可是，会努力的吧。我更明白自己，不能不努力啊。还是很感恩，一个长辈对我说的话，和我交流和开导我。对我来说，那就是最最最有效的“午休”

free my mind- priceless

Not only motivation,but knowledge, not only to rest, but also to wake up from meaningless busyness--truly all aspects of siesta, in only one conversation

最重要的是，我有了决心。
要勇敢，就算这是表示背叛以前的信念和自己。

人，是会变的。

与其每天提心吊胆的过日子不知地上哪一块会几时爆炸，
还不如干脆痛快地，踩下去。
就能知道是地雷还是安全区。直接的解答。


也许还差一步吧。

爆炸。




也是很可怕，但是不能不做。
只有完全的成功和完全的失败，没有中庸的过关这种事。

国王或乞丐=)
大家请加油。

Darkness have a reason

I should be rushing my homework now, but hey, that can wait.
It feels as if for very long time i have not been myself anymore.

Controlled by circumstance, by uncertainty,by doubt and confusion.I miss my true self, the real me.
So today i would like some time with myself, and the unknown limitless possibilities of the universe. 
 
I have to admit i just a small humble human being in this world.
Although a designer is granted with much power (ahaha),however the society i live in is still not an optimum breeding ground for creativity.
My mind is so open it can accept many things. It's good, but sometimes i'm too simple-minded.
So recently i have been challenged with the existence of god and the building of heaven. I have been looking through religion to find my own value for quite sometime. I've been a Buddhist,Atheist,Taoist,Unificationist ;i've been into a church, i've prayed before i eat and everything.I'll go through experiments and find the most suitable living belief for me.That is mine reality.

Until now, guess i didn't want to settle down on any of those.I think i'm a free-thinker. Every religion is good in some way, extreme in others. However,i do not accept anything as an absolute truth to me.Because religion is always altered by HUMANS to their own advantage.Therefore i don't consider myself as "belonging" to any religion.

Freedom worth the most to me.To able to fight for MY thoughts,and not those thoughts and principles that my religion wanted me to.I only believe in true love, and it includes true love between gay and lesbians.I don't care what other people say.

I thought praying was an interesting thing to do, not exactly to god, but to the universe, and perhaps, to myself .As someone told me before, "you are your own greatest god", and as long as i ever live and experienced, it was true.

If someone ever claimed he was god, i might accept it, but not to believe it nor do i expect others to believe in it.It doesn't really matter to me, it does not change me in any way.That person could not come to my life and say, "I'll help you do your assignment". Since i'm the only person that can change myself, and help myself do assignment, i guess i'm my own greatest god.

The real creation forces in the universe have give me freedom,that no matter what religion i'm in, how many stupid things i do in search of myself, it loves me eternally. A silent love. Unshaken by anything at all.

So tonight i speak to the silent existence,with positive energy. Thank you for the darkness. When darkness is strong in it's maximum intensity, light is not far from here.

To the unknown reality, power, and infinite possibilities of the universe, thank you for keeping me alive today. Thank you for all the freedom, to create and the beauty, to share. Thank you for the food , the water, the songs, joy and sorrow, that makes the earth beautiful.Thank you for making each and everyone unique, so that the world is not boring. Thank you for all the love and memories, and the chance of merely existing.

Thank you for making me see, that i'm a part of the whole. I understand my eternal position.And that i don't belong to anything, not even "god", because i only belong to myself.

When i love and celebrate, i connect myself to the universe. When i'm aware, i'm as wise as the old universe, and nothing will be able to blind me.Not even religion.

So free-thinking is for me.Yes, yes, you say you're working to make the world a better place.Of course, all religion says that.And all people, generally, thinks that whatever aim they have, it's good, (to themselves), but not to me.

And any religion that condemn others, even any minority group, is stupid to me.
Ahhhh, i came back to mine reality.
Play and live on.

As long as human love each other, there is no need to have religion. 
 "Love each other or perish." ~Tuesdays With Morrie

 




   

于是我们等待一种重逢

于是我静静的
看着同样沉默的夜空

倒映

离去的笑声
离去的快乐
我不懂的子弹，不懂这场仗的源头

什么源头

迷失，真的迷失，
那一霎那我想去战（站）
去选择其中的一方

可是路过的旅人拉着我，说
不如选择一片自由的土地
没有将军和命令
只有自己的声音

孩子，于是
善良就是神
我会搜集自己的
满天星星

不要忘记梦想
选择的路，如果动机一样
其实也没什么不同

一样的享受

喜悦的种子
爱的根源

倘若世界上真的有神
他住在我心里，是我的意志，
每个人都一样

不要急于壮烈的牺牲自己
以为这就是意义
只是自我感觉良好

于是我们等待
一种重逢
再次遇见自己

一直陪伴我的你，又怎么可能不明白
其中的必然
宿命的美丽

神所存在的世界

[有些事，虽然痛还是要去全面的体会]

短短一个星期的假期，却发生了很多事情。
虽然我一如往常地上课，上学，但是我自己知道，那个内心的挣扎没有停止。
这个星期里面，我哭了很多次。
有些是喜悦，有些是悲痛。

从很久很久以前，我不断的在寻找人生的目的。
话说，最近我以为我找到一个答案。
我很喜悦，因为我觉得我已经明白我为什么要出生在这个世界上，我甚至告诉我的父母，我愿意放下我的学业去走这条路。
我的父母很心痛，他们觉得我被洗脑了。他们很生气，他们很担心。他们说我已经忘了我的梦想，我为什么要上大学。他们告诉我，我不实际。
我婆婆说，她只有两个孙子，不想只剩一个。

某人说，有神，所以有爱。每个人都是神的孩子。
爸爸说，有我在，决不会让你被别人利用。

我也不清楚了。
我不知道了。

可是，我父母就是在这世上，活生生的，我的神。
再也不想让他们担心了。

这么多年以来，我们一家人也没有倘开心房 ，有过这么深入的谈话。
如果真的是，有神，这便是他给我最最珍贵的时光，虽然很痛苦，但是绝对也是幸福。

天父，你所存在的世界，我……还停留在现实。
我先要去爱我的父母。

天父，你已经有好多的子女，好多的爱。他们都是喜悦的人。
但我的父母就只有我。

地上天国事多莫美丽的愿望，但是，我更相信平等的爱是每一个人不分宗教的。
这是我必修的路。

再让我多成长吧！当我成熟，我自然会选择。
当我体验，我只然会知道，其中的真理。

谢谢你，给我这四天。
我看到，我从来没有看过的世界，真的很美。
骗不了别人，神活在我里面，我真的很美。
但是，我是神的孩子，那我父母算什么？
父母是我的神，既然让我出生，不想让我走错路。
天父你也是这么想吧？

爱有很多种，让我受考验吧。
感恩你触动我的心。
但我，
还是
必须清醒。

why do we feel bad when we are selfish?/圆滑的人格和当下

上完课，我走回车子，打算回去宿舍。
刚刚和朋友讲话都差点忘了自己又驾车来上课，差点去塔巴士了~
只是因为阿塞门留到最后一秒才拿去印刷，才会有必要出动小银鹿（我的kancil的名字）。
而因为这种不安，我提早一小时去印刷然后去上课，估计时间应该来得及。

还好事情都顺利，只是印刷到有点瑕疵，字体稍微移位了，但我也不管了，照交。
要回的时候，看到车子前面的挡风镜上，有人留下一份礼物给我。
看了礼物，我有点打击，失落感莫名萌生。

我静静的拿下它，折起来，收起来，然后驾车回宿舍。
一路上情绪起伏不定。

为什么人，会因为自己做了错事，或者被人说自私，就感到自责和闷闷不乐呢？
我接受，我不完美，甚至是常常做错事吧。
然而我也无法怪别人，因为这位人士的心情我了解，就是因为了解，大概才会放不下吧。
感觉自己给别人添麻烦，贬低自我价值，我陷入思考的牢狱。
在想，我错了吗？我错了吗？我不是故意的，可是还是害到人家。
我，可以原谅自己吗？

语言是刀刃，开始质疑自己是不是真的像别人说的，因为通常别人才能看到自己看不到的事实的另一面。我真的是如此吗？如果是，我的存在，不是在让世界变得更差劲更困难？就因为像我这样的人存在，世界才会这么可怕？我是不是没有存在价值？
认为自己自私，就是违反“为别人而活的宗旨”，或许是如此，才会失落。也代表不被整体需要的假象， 分裂，觉得自己和整体是分开的。

因此，我自责，我全然投入在这种感觉中。是负面的力量，但是，只有全然的体会，去感受，才有可能放下和抽离。我摸摸小猫（宝物）的头，心想我为什么这样啊，原来我对别人只是祸害啊。

但是，在停车的时候， 我只是自己啊。我满脑子都在担心阿塞门的事，没有心去管我是不是有好好停车。我不算是活在当下，因为我带着满脑子的杂念。深怕万一有什么差错我就交不成阿塞门那该怎么办啊。但是，我带着杂念，是因为这是有必要适当带着杂念的时候。如果每个人都应该在适当的时候做适当的事情，那么我就应该在求学时期烦恼我应该烦的事。
我没有享受当下的本钱，虽然我有这种本能，因为我不是和尚，我需要面对很多生活的现实面。

我感觉就像自己是一只在人类走廊上大便的小猫。是，我会给住附近的人填麻烦，因为我的便便很臭，但是我只是照本能去做，甚至做了还觉得很爽。我会自责么？
不可能，也不需要。
猫不会自责。

但是换作诗人，会自责，会羞耻。
因为我们有自我价值，因为我们有判断能力。
因为有头脑。

头脑对主人来说，是永远的笼子；好念头，坏念头都一样。

没有头脑真幸福啊，我继续摸摸宝物的头想着。但是我心里已经没有刚才那么不好受了。宝物可以给我无条件的爱，无条件过来用头轻轻摩擦我的脚，粘我，宠我，对我撒娇，听我诉苦。

当然，所有关系都是两方面的。我也必须无条件的爱它，才能感受到无条件被爱的幸福。

也是很感谢写这张便条的人，让我心灵成长不少。毕竟那么敢作敢言的人，在这里也不常见。
在做这件事时，我从来没有想过会给别人添麻烦。没有想要无私，也没有想要自私。
所以我不接受你说我自私这件事。但是，以后会注意和提高警惕。

因为关于爱，我还需要学习更多。

如果可以帮其他人，也未尝是一件好事。感谢你让我对自己的一举一动更有知觉。

我们或许不知觉害了人，也或许不自觉帮了人吧。除非你幸运（像我一样幸运=P），否着你不会知道你所做的事情，对别人来讲已经改变了他的生活。

自私是为了存活，无私也是为了存活。
只是如何去存活，去爱，如何去对别人的感受敏感，我们都还要学习。

————————————————————————————————
但是，更深入地想一想，如果今天，我因为有向前一步，让你刚好有位子停车，你，会留一个感恩的字条，而不是抱怨的字条吗？
还是你会认为这是理所当然的？

神

"yang baik itu datangnya dari tuhan."
我一直记得这句话，是因为我不明白这句话。
太莫名其妙了。

但是现在，或许看到了吧。
默默付出，不求回报的爱；为别人而活，没有私心，不去自我保护；
这样的爱，绝对是来自神明的爱啊。

而我，也确确实实的经历过这种爱。
父母就是神在世上的实体。
我的父母，虽然不是理想的心体和一的人，但他们所教导我的事，都是希望我能比他们更强，更成功。他们希望我能过物质丰富的生活，以后有钱好办事，我……不该怪他们不能理解我的内心。他们的爱是用他们的形式来表达，为了让我得以生存，不会在本能的竞争中失败、被淘汰，他们一直都预备着。他们走过贫困的时代，知道穷的痛苦，所以才会追求钱财保障。我生在这个富裕的时代，人人有饭吃，却不满足的矛盾时代，所以我追求不一样的东西。我看到的是矛盾分裂的痛苦和虚荣心、贪心、人心冷漠的空虚和悲痛。就因为不必烦恼衣食住行，我才可以静下心来，想想什么才是人生最重要的东西呀。为此机会，我必须好好感恩我的父母给我这个空间。

神活在我们之中，因为每个人是因为爱才诞生的。 我们都不是自己以为的自己，因为神明的真谛是不能用理性和感性的头脑来辩论的。只有当我们享受当下，放下自己过去的伤痛和回忆，我们才真正能够活在神明里。“好的东西都来自神”，这句话没有错呀。

我是无神论者，因为我不相信神有一个人的形状。我相信神是人的内心。神是一种创造万物的能量，联系万物的使者。

The blessing of a name

Today i learn to write my name, again.
Sitting quietly in the classroom,the only noise being the sound of a 2B pencil, like soft muttering from the past, i focus on writing my name.
Each letter on my paper is done with extreme care, cautious, and control.
Just like the first time i have ever hold a pencil, and my teacher tells the class,
"Today i want each of you to write your name."

ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP
I was a kid.
Everyone learns the same letters, until the day we write our names.
Until this day we realize, that each of us is actually unique.


Yes, i am in university.I went to class as usual today.
When the lecturer say take out the tracing paper, i took it out like usual.
When he said i want you to write your name, i thought it was a usual request.

But it was not.

We write our names everyday, without even realizing how.
Most of our names doesn't mean anything, when u try to find it in the dictionary, you'll see there no such word.It's just a bunch of letter arranged in an order.
And yet, it's very hard for us to think about those bunch of letters in the same way as "just letters" ever again.

So when i immersed in the silent of the classroom today,trying to see the beauty in my name, a thought suddenly light up(like a bulb,perhaps ) and i looked up to see everyone trying to finish their name.
And i was suddenly touched.And i thought, how many times do i get to do this?


Most people get to experience this only once.
When they are kids.
But perhaps i am really lucky.

I get to experience it twice.


A name is the third gift anyone could have, the gift of life being the first, and love being the second.A name is a symbol of a identity.
When i go lost in life, i would think, who am i?
The certain answer to that, is my name.
I am someone with a name.
What's my worth? Why do i even exist?
So that the name would have an owner, the owner would know their worth.
And when some people try to compare the owners of two different names, i would say, I am me and she/he is she/he.Why would we need to compare ourselves?

Naturally i think of my parents. I think of why they name me.
I think of when they call my name.
I think of a relationship, so proud that they must announce it in my name,so that there is evidence that we are connected.

And whatever i do, i remember the honour in my name.

Hey,you are someone special you know,not just so so so or passerby A , B or C. You are recognized and accepted by people and you are truly a unique element in the universe.

I know not many people think the way i do.
Yup, i am special starting from my name, but not only limited to my name.
And you know, characters that have names in a story means they are quite important.You get what i mean?

To tell you the truth, today in class, i was overwhelm with the past and present and future that seems to go through me, my body and soul.

How many chance in my lifetime do i get to sit down and do something like this again?
How many chance in my lifetime do i get to re-identify what i really meant to me?

The word that i wrote in everything i owned, that i couldn't find in the dictionary, that means nothing at all in terms of grammar and linguistic, that meant so much to me now, this word is what i would try to live up to.

I saw kids writing their names.Suddenly they know what to call each other.
Then more than a name came from a name.

Today i did not see people practicing typography. Instead,everyone was trying to build something.Something not seen by physical eyes, but has exist for a very long time.Something that is completely original, something that could never be copied, not even by the greatest power and highest skill.


The answer is you.
Realize that you never have to be the same with anybody else in this world,and also realize that they never have to be the same with you too.