Winning is not enough

My dad had a conversation with me again yesterday.
He asked, "So you didn't get dean list for last semester?"
A serious atmosphere wrapped me tidely and I replied," Yeah, I didn't."
And he said "It's gone, you're no longer top student."
He walked away as i replied, "It doesn't matter to me."

"It doesn't mean ANYTHING to me" (In respect to world CAPS LOCK day which is today)




And also, i've never really thought that i'm a "top student" or something exclusive,
only maybe, something that is always different, distord, weird and could not fit in.
I never see myself in that way, higher than others, instead it's pretty much the other way round.

And i think, probably it's because, winning is always someboby else's thing, It was never owned. You win when people look up to you, think that you're good, and probably envy you. So what? It probably have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their perception on you. It's not you anyway! It's not you at all! IT'S JUST THEM.  It is assiociated with pride, strength, secure and ego.But since i got my SPM result i've get tired of someone else defination of "winning".

The common myth saying winning can bring happiness is not true. I am sure that everyone have won before. Did that bring everlasting happiness? Did it bring away all the fear?
Well, for me it certainly didn't.

After winning there is only emptiness and the strong maddening desire to win again and the strong fear of losing.In fact it's just worst than before.

There is no salvation or redemption in winning, neither should i seek an identity from the fact that i win. To me now, the only way to win is to enjoy each and everything i do.

I don't need other people to be proud of the fact that i win to make doing something meaningful. Everything that i experienced and enjoyed is meaningful in it's own way.

And that kind of winning doesn't ends, proof, just like that.
Enjoying is continuous, for people who are willing to do so.
It is always going on =)

踏脚车时想到的

你已经走过那么多
无知觉的路
每天醒来看看自己
珍惜你现在可以做的事情吧！
只因它是有知觉而充满喜悦的。

[生命本身就是有意义的。没有除了它本身以外的意义了。]

数星星~

我不知道那位教授对我做了什么事……
让我觉得自己好像星守犬www

=========================================

某个漆黑的夜晚
硬邦邦的深沉
压低着天空

在这个窄小的空间

我要
努力呼吸
我告诉自己

于是我一直走
路上偶有石头
跌倒也不足为奇

看不到
怎样都会跌倒

但是我走着走着
不知不觉来到一扇门前

我并没有期望什么
也没有兴奋
只是压力和紧张

好害怕
再跌倒哦
好害怕
再跌倒再被人落井下石哦
好害怕
虚假的救赎

门打开了

一片黑夜
门前门后
看似一样

我继续走，通过那扇门

天空还是沉默着
抬起头

我发现天空不是我想象的底
没有我想象的重
可能可能吧

伸手发现
根本 没有我能撞倒的尖角
我还一直低着身子走呢

远处还有一闪一闪的光呢

光

这就是星星了吧

我在空无一物的空间
坐下了

看着星空，守着星空，注视着
全神贯注的
看着星星

闪耀着希望


原来一直以来
星星带领着我   走








可能可能吧
我不是一个人的





可能可能吧
我    上路了

去他妈的自尊

至今
我仍然无法减轻过去给我的负担

很讨厌啊
从来没想过“听话”这个优点也会变成莫大的缺陷。
尤其是在我来不及反应过来的潜意识的快速决定。

所以到今天我还是很痛恨那个我成长的小学和中学。
我当然知道，怪罪社会才没有什么好处，而且也是我自己的性格的关系。
可是我忍不住觉得是那段时期，他们硬把“不能以柔弱取胜”、“只可杀不可辱”的奇怪想法植入我小小的自尊心之中，我现在才会那么不堪一击。
让我以为被瞧不起就是世界末日。让我喜欢无形的在别人的眼中建立自己的价值。

“我的价值就是在于能考到好成绩”
可能到现在我都如此认为吧。
性格上来说我只是普普通通而已。

那时的我，如果有一天成绩不好可能真的会自杀吧。因为我觉得，我已经没有活着的价值了。
所以我对《踮脚张望》表姐的自杀很有感触。

我甚至对自己以前太过注重于读书的生活感到后悔。宁可不要那种成绩
现在想想过去，那个只能漂漂亮亮的取得成绩的能力，或许是过去我自尊唯一的支柱。我对那个自己觉得陌生，但却不能否认。
所以，尤其是在求学的方面，我发觉我特别需要得到认同。老师只要稍微表达对我的不认同我就会感觉非常敌意。我也尤其不能接受老师在班上（不论无心或有意）的数落我，或表达对我的不满（不管是对我还是还有其他人，总之有包括我）我都会非常不高兴，因为我总是对自己的努力很有信心，觉得自己已经做到很好了，无法理解为什么老师会批评我。

这可能是一种病XDDDD
我说我的病还真多耶

这就是不能放下自尊的人的奇怪挣扎的故事。
谢谢阅读。

 当然我不否认，就因为有这种遗憾感，现在我才拼命玩乐（（这样也不好吧
享受是很重要的！

简单来说，我就是太容易觉得自己被定义
厚脸皮怎么学？
 自我风格？坚持自己？

我必须是自尊很强的人才算是我？

什么才是自己？









我只不过是想要努力完善自己的普通人类。