My dad had a conversation with me again yesterday.
He asked, "So you didn't get dean list for last semester?"
A serious atmosphere wrapped me tidely and I replied," Yeah, I didn't."
And he said "It's gone, you're no longer top student."
He walked away as i replied, "It doesn't matter to me."
"It doesn't mean ANYTHING to me" (In respect to world CAPS LOCK day which is today)
And also, i've never really thought that i'm a "top student" or something exclusive,
only maybe, something that is always different, distord, weird and could not fit in.
I never see myself in that way, higher than others, instead it's pretty much the other way round.
And i think, probably it's because, winning is always someboby else's thing, It was never owned. You win when people look up to you, think that you're good, and probably envy you. So what? It probably have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their perception on you. It's not you anyway! It's not you at all! IT'S JUST THEM. It is assiociated with pride, strength, secure and ego.But since i got my SPM result i've get tired of someone else defination of "winning".
The common myth saying winning can bring happiness is not true. I am sure that everyone have won before. Did that bring everlasting happiness? Did it bring away all the fear?
Well, for me it certainly didn't.
After winning there is only emptiness and the strong maddening desire to win again and the strong fear of losing.In fact it's just worst than before.
There is no salvation or redemption in winning, neither should i seek an identity from the fact that i win. To me now, the only way to win is to enjoy each and everything i do.
I don't need other people to be proud of the fact that i win to make doing something meaningful. Everything that i experienced and enjoyed is meaningful in it's own way.
And that kind of winning doesn't ends, proof, just like that.
Enjoying is continuous, for people who are willing to do so.
It is always going on =)
Yih Charn, for some reason, I can somehow relate to you in this case. Neither that I have parents that nagged me to get good results nor do I think that you should not try your best in your studies. But one thing is for sure, is that I AGREE (CAPSLOCK DAY XD) with your statement above!
ReplyDeleteNot to brag here but I've managed to squeeze through all sems with dean lists in Art School...but in the end it still felt really empty. You are just handed a scroll, and a recognition for first class... and that's it. It's really nothing. (unless u need to pay off PTPTN for free XD)
When I come to my last sem as you guys are now, I started to have that sense that it doesn't matter anymore, being top student means nothing at all...but don't let that get to you. All you can do is to try your best, and in doing so, be happy during the whole process =)
So, when you said that it doesn't mean anything to you. Haha, I thought I used to felt like that as well. Not every individual strives to aim for perfection. Hopefully, your parents might understand how you felt about this someday =D
Of course if i'm happy and i can get good grades at the same time then it's not a problem. It's just sometimes there's a choice, if you are happpy and enjoys what you do, there's a great possibility that someone (probably your lecturer) won't be happy. What i meant is, i don't really want to do it just for the grades or to impress lecturer or something =/
DeleteHaha, i hope so too =)Glad to know someone felt what i'm feeling, thank you =)
呵呵，我突然想研究 “top student” 的爸爸是怎样的....
ReplyDelete因为自己不优秀所以自卑吗？
因为自己失败了所以想要控制一切吗？
还是说，“孩子是我的工具，只是一个炫耀的工具”？
有时候被逼急了，我也会不留情的揭大人最深层的伤疤，
还好小婵是善良的 :)
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Delete因为在我眼中，拔拔还是优秀的吧。
Delete纵使他可能自卑，我仍然认为他对我做的一切，只是出自于“为我好”，或者尝试弥补自己的遗憾，都是我不能反抗的。
大人们一点都不警觉每个片刻的流动，他们无法明白每个片刻都是不一样的，不能把以前的想法用在现在。
于是我的双亲依然在如此的痛苦之中。
需要警觉的是我，不再把自己当成工具。=)