2013 in the fog 前路茫茫的二零一三

My dear roommate send me a birthday wish yesterday, and asked me how's my life now, so this post is to her <3

I was actually very touched when I read your message, to the point that I almost cried (but I didn't bcos I was still at the office), thank you very much roommate! At times I felt really depressed and lost for I could not find the reason, for work and for life in general. Now that I have no time for drawing, and quite often working overtime, I don't know if freedom really exist in reality.
I asked god why did he gave me this challenge, what did I need to learn from this monotonous and robot-like routine? What should I learn from this personal conflict? I thought I have chosen the path that allows ideas to be born, allows awesome humour about life and promote new discoveries and stimulate changes, yet to discover that no one in this world can offer me that path except myself.
Turns out the creative environment is not that creative. No one is crazy except me. And this routine is lethal and blinding. I'm aware of it now, but I might be blend in someday. I don't know how strong my immune system is here.

I'm not sure of anything. But I'm sure there's something I need to learn from this. How do I feed my dreams now?

Intelligence cannot substitute for skills, he say. But in the end, what skills are you talking about? Life is fair. When u work for good design skills you slowly forget about stimulating your ideas. You become what you do. If you don't challenge yourself to get ideas every day you don't expect yourself to be getting good ideas when you need them. Besides, isn't thinking creatively and differently a valuable skill?

That's why it's ideal to do both, actually. But that's not what I'm doing. I'm currently only practicing skill side. He say, brush your skills first, when you've master your skills, you can brainstorm. I doubt it. I mean, if you don't speak a language often, you'll forget it real soon. It's the same logic. The hardest thing is to teach someone how to think. To question every reality.
Design is about solving problems. But at work, we never talk about problems, we never solve anything. We never think about possibilities. All I do now is to take that ready-made solution. I don't even use imagination. My quota is still full at the end of the month.

Balance, emphasis, alignment are design principles. It's the same with life. Am I being impatient? Or simply being awake?

I think I should start to bring one of your sketch book to office, maybe I can draw something during lunch break. Or find some ways to practice and self-learn brainstorming/ imagination. I should definitely practice thinking with the time I'm left with. I should use imagination, without giving a damn.

 At work, I fear failure. But I also fear success. So a day without work is like heaven now. I'm pretty easily contented, haha.  

2013 is going to come to an end. What a year. Not much achievement to be listed. If I really need to mention any, perhaps it was the trip to KL with my sister, which strangely is more meaningful than my graduation. I saw a different world.

It's a time of uncertainties,  possibilities, extremes joy and sorrows, and crucial decisions.
However I feel like this is great and I should enjoy the ride, because I have a feeling everything will turn out well in the end. I have faith and will continue to go through whatever life have to offer =)

"You will become what you want to become, at last"

"At last" just haven't arrived yet.

Rain will meet 'fire' soon.

I think most of the above is just some kind of monologue. I'm surprised of what I write too sometimes. I guess I also figured out some solutions for myself. Thank you for caring so much roommate! May the new year bring you and your family good health and well-being, happiness and peace.

恐惧，不安和纠结

我再也不懂了。其实这也是预料之内。
我会属于这里才怪。我的意识里也不想要我来这里！
但是我为什么来这里呢？这是我的意愿么？
不是自己意愿的东西，才是趁早放弃吧！

以上，自白。

失败多了，你才会发现自己原来懂得失败，学会失败，
当失败不是“未知”而是可以预测，甚至从中努力的一个点，
你才不会继续恐惧。失败的宝贵，在于下一次的“不恐惧”。

因为你失败得起。
往往在失败之前，挣扎的情绪和脑里那不断重复的负面想法， 才是失败的主因。

潜意识里收藏者许多我们不为人知的秘密。甚至，我们自己也不知道的“直觉反应”，“第一感觉”其实来自潜意识。这是我们童年被写入脑袋的程序。（当然还有另一种来自宇宙和灵感的直觉反应，但通常我们无法分辨一闪而过的感觉，究竟是属于哪一个）

以上，自白。

不安和纠结说穿了只是害怕得不到别人的认同。其实有时候真的很受不了这样的自己。





想跟自己说，亲，那些看似爱的东西其实从来都不曾属于你。
因为爱不能被属于啊。