信任 trust

The fundamentals of friendship is trust. But between strangers, trust only happen if one person where to trust another first. Meaning it is a give and take event.
To gain one's trust, you must first being able to trust that person.

Trust only comes unconditionally from your parents.
But it will grow into expectations....because of that i have learn how to swim in the overflowing expectations of my parents and to find the hole for the water to flow out. Too much of something could upset the balanced easily.
Now. my sister is drowning in that expectation. I wanted to save her but it's not easy, as the solution is to change my parents perception of the world. And they are unwilling  to change that point of view.

"Student should do nothing but study. "

Ah well, but my sister is doing well at this rate. She'll always fight for any chance to play. Sometimes i do wish my previous self was more like her. After all...we should be the one to decide what's best for ourselves. Compared to her, i was the more obedient type. I'm a coward to stand for myself and fight for my worth.
So i do trust my sister that she would live up to her worth.

Anyway, i've been trying to remind myself to stop helping or saving anyone....unless i'm sure i could do it. Or things will end up badly. Sometimes i really tend to forget the limitations of a human being= =

I trust all my friends to some point. But most of them don't know much about me XDDDDD
My best friends can open their heart to me =) and we'll always be together because we are an important part of each other, even though we are separated physically, trying to achieve our own dreams. And we trust one another to lead our lives well. I wish i could quickly meet them again.

The rate of trust is directly perpendicular to the rate of friendship growth. 
Naturally where trust dies the friendship also dies.
My dad always tell me don't trust anyone completely = =
but there are people who i can always trust no matter what ^_____^~

i'm alive and i'm imperfect

from 'the world only god knows'
credits: mangafox.com

 

Today i'm complete not because i'm perfect.

But because i'm loved. ^___^

what is fei-ma and why 关于一只会飞的马

Fei-ma is my pen name. I've got quite some issues regarding this XDDD someone even thought fei-ma was a boy........(but i don't mind actually)
BCOS I'M BOYISH XDDDDD

Anyway.....fei-ma is the chinese pronunciation for "flying horse"~飞马

I've always love horses (back then).......but horse in real life don't have wings.....meaning "flying horse" is merely imagination....
and i think so are my dreams and ambitions.
The wings of the horse is just to represent the will power ,faith and hope.......something can't be seen with naked eyes...but still could be felt, as an energy and a crucial part of my dreams.

Believing in something is more important than what that thing truely is itself.
Because by believing...YOU can make it happen.

Thanks for reading this
and making part of my dreams



....just happen by believing

if i could love myself 如果我能爱自己的全部

It will be equilibrium.这就是平衡。

I would be complete.我就是完整。

Don't be afraid of making mistakes (2)

I really hate uncertainties.= =
How do i gain control over uncertain circumstances ?
_____________________________________________

Perhaps the point is not to gain control over it...but not to be controlled by it. Ally was right. It is inevitable. No one in this world can avoid change, and no one can completely gain control over it. Change is needed, change is a must. It has always been so and always will.
 The main point is to be in harmony with it.... ..change with it, not to say follow it. Change the route with it, but still making sure the destination is the same. Change the appearance to overcome it, change the strategy , change the flow....but make sure not to change the core, the main reason of the journey....there are vital things that shouldn't be change, like the purpose of doing something from the start.

Determination should not be changed.
The spirit is the same.

形式万变，本意不变。
师傅以前说过。只是我忘了XDD

爸爸会坚持

今天是星期日，但爸爸一早出门了，尽管外面的雨倾盆而下。昨天他说要回学校做一些事，就算雨下得这么大，还是坚持出发？

我在床上思绪繁多，醒来了无法回到刚才的梦。

仔细想想，爸爸一向都是会坚持踏上道路的人。不会因风雨而改变。

在那个我无法想象的很久以前，爸爸到底和婆婆公公过着怎样的生活。

每天早餐都吃白饭和蛋。

午餐每天都是白饭和一条小鱼。

一边上学一边工作。

晚上点着涂油灯读书。

雨稀里哗啦打在用铁板作的屋顶上。一整夜。

婆婆忙着喂猪，煮饭，顾家。公公出去干活（属于建筑类工作）。

印象中爸爸什么都会，修水管、订建木柜子、他还知道西餐应该几时用什么餐具（因为我都会不懂到底是哪个汤匙= =）他好像什么工都做过。

在308事件爸爸还在山脚下过一夜。

身为长子的爸爸有一个弟弟，五个妹妹。在兄弟姐妹中，只有爸爸读过大学。也是因为他的坚持，因为他知道有读书就不会那么辛苦。上大学的学费都是爸爸自己的储蓄。

其实我能明白为什么爸爸会不明白，觉得我修美术是何等荒唐的事。他一生的追求是给与家人良好的经济能力，至少要一份稳定的工作。而我因为身在经济能力好的环境中，珍惜的却是快乐这等东西。在以前的年代，我想爸爸从来没有选择做自己喜欢的事。他想要的，很简单，就是更好的生活。

爸爸说他很担心我以后后找不到饭吃。

以后的事我也不知道。我只能说出:“别担心啦。”这种没说服力的对白 = =。

对不起，让你担心了吧？是我任性了= = 但我不会后悔的。我从来没那么对自己有信心过。（当然其实我也怕，万一连自己喜欢的事情都做不好我无地自容了= =）

爸爸一向对我有很大期望。无论是学业上或生活上。他说过给我最好的环境，给我上最好的学校，看看我能奈在那里。（挑战我呀）虽然在一年前那些长年累积的希望有些崩溃了，感觉现在又慢慢在重新累积中。但爸爸有一天也突然跟我说，他很高兴有我这个乖女儿。其实我听了很想哭，但那是公共场所，所以还是忍了。

爸爸今天的自己是出于他的坚持。他是典型的“一定会爬到山顶”的类型，虽然一路也是跌跌幢幢。我不是没想过跟他走一样的路，毕竟喜欢稳定也是我的个性。可惜，以现在的场景看来，我真的不得不变，也算是命运。如果我想要“更好”，而不是“一样”。

直到现在婆婆公公给我的感觉还是很中庸方式的生活。每次去到婆婆家，那里的时光就是缓慢的一道风景，好像与世隔绝。尤其是现在，榴莲红毛丹果实累累的季节。

婆婆每次会说“想吃就自己采哦，不然厨房里也有。”“哦”

然后我就去站在树下欣赏一下那红绿参半的颜色。躲在他巨大的树阴下。

望上去看看这棵大树，回想一下他以前也只是颗种子。

吃了现场摘的红毛丹，手中握的是，另一颗种子。

这颗种子有一天也会。

Don't be afraid of making mistakes

"To live a creative life we must lose our fear of being wrong"---Joseph Chilton Pearce
————————————————————————————————————
But i came to realise what i was afraid of  is not being wrong , but i was afraid the result is unknown, unpredictable, because no one have ever tried it before.
There is no reliable 'data' to research. No result to refer. Means there is a possibility of going to the "wrong" area.....if there is one.

 To me......this too "unsafe" to try.

Perhaps this is my personality problem.
"i" am actually operated by some kind of program of the past. Through my memory, i imitate everything i can recall. How my parents, my family, my friends react to something, slowly and surely,would become "me"
Not to say it's no good, but i didn't created that program, i just mimic from someone else, so it's not very original. I was born with originality, but slowly lose it as i grow.

And when i encounter something new, i realize i fail to proses the new data and fail to give respond. I cannot find any data from the past because this has never happen before.And again i observe how other people react to it and imitate.Perhaps i have never trust my gut, and i have never show anything that was my real feelings inside. My reactions are all programmed. They only come out if i have thought of it, programmed it, think that it is relevant. I filtered every outcome.

Normally, i would not step out of my comfort zone if there is a choice. In other words, i fear changes. Of course i know that i can change with it. But changing just because something has change  or changing with a reason is just like flowing water.....it will bring me away from my route! Will i still arrive at the destination i desire?
Guess i'm the type to stick to myself, even thought every other thing has change.
I'm really slow in realizing the need to change.

I seat in the same place every time on my school bus. Not really because i liked the view or something. Just because i was use to it. Getting used to something...is like creating a comfort zone. I feel reluctant to get out once i created that zone.

I do not fear being wrong.....but i fear uncertainties.

Over the years, i have developed a way of reading people, trying to get what they think and their possible actions, so that when they do it someday, i will not feel surprise.
Nothing is unexpected. Everything is under control and that's my aim. 

I really hate uncertainties.= =
How do i gain control over uncertain circumstances ?