当所有人选择走出这个圈圈，只有你选择走进。

故事开始在一个微风徐徐的晴天。
我拾到一面镜子。

因为这个镜子，我才知道，原来我并不快乐。
而这个醒悟，改变了我的一生。
——————————————————————————————
 家是一个枷锁。是爱也是责任。
学校是一个模具。 是学习也是扭曲。
以我的性格，若继续沉睡，我一生都不会脱离。
可是镜子里的我，她不快乐。
而我不相信，不相信我不值得快乐。

可是自己的快乐是一个这么奇怪的事情。
它不是固定的。
而别人的快乐却更容易达到，容易预料，容易满足。

然而选择还是做了。

其实这面镜子，本来不是镜子。只是为所欲为的风（疯）。
而我是一个不变的格子。
风不明白，为何格子可以如此呆板毫无变化。
格子也不明白，为何风可以说变就变，毫无方程式？

结果风变成了镜子。格子变成了…………不懂什么。

但奇妙的两个不同方向的东西，竟然也可以互相学习。说不定会走向同样的方向。

只是我们，或许也有太多一样的缺点。

太执着于自己过去的伤痛，太执着于自己的付出，太执着于善用自己的才华。
太想要保护。

其实平凡或独特，我们都作了选择，只是我们想理解自己的选择，想知道选择背后的道理。
在未来，我们也会一次又一次的重新考虑和怀疑这个选择。

其实师傅，我和你想要的都非常简单。
你要的“隐居”我要的“旅行”其实只是想要一个能容纳自己的地方。
而我们都太清楚，这个地方，或许很难找到。

至少还有家，可以让我们做回自己。但也不是毫无保留。

感谢还有你会理解我。
不把想法勉强加在我身上。
宽容我。
任我自由。
保护我。
骂我去死。
感谢你的因材施教。

当每个人都想要我理解他们，认同他们的想法，这个争吵的世界……
只有你，什么都没说。



我很珍惜那段沉默。直到现在。



诚心希望你会健康长命百岁，和找到能容纳你的地方。
如果真的能那样，便是我的快乐。

What happens in a design conference?

Very much curiosity.
Because it sounded so stylish. Really.
That word "conference" make i think of  a lot of people sitting along a very long table, where each person have a mic and represents a country. = = Well, sifu was right, my imagination is scary.
Luckily it was not like that.

A hall with people. People are talking, people are thinking......
or sleeping. The city exist in the hall , happening but also paused , active....and passive.

Made me think a lot....very much about Georgetown...a place that i got to know and to interact with just recently. Although i live in Penang.....living near the sea, in a kampung beside a river....I never really thought that Georgetown= home at any point in my life before.....until now.

Maybe this georgetown turning into a UNESCO site phenomena is giving some impact to me =S unsorted emotions.....i always get worm perspective view when i'm in Georgetown. Still a place that is worth exploring.....perhaps my new toy =D

(But actually it's normal. Talks have certain impact on my thoughts....it's an after-effect, will be lasting for a few days)

What's the role of a creative person is very much similar to the question who do you want to become.
What is your purpose of existence? How do you create yourself? How do you enhance life in other people? Do you just exist....or do you LIVE?

And again.......the tricks that your mind play on you.

[to be continue when the dialog gets less noise]

亦晴亦雨亦阴天

我失踪了，也回来了。
我找到自己，但也

无法改变什么。

I'm not a cat

Yes, i'm not.
Never was, never will.

Cat's are my favorite.Love them like i love myself. Hoped i was one of them. Hoped i can live their life.
At one point i even wish to wake up tomorrow and find myself with paws.
But of course, that never did happened.

Cats live quite a leisure life. They can go around chasing butterflies (not to eat them, just merely fascinated by the wings movement of a butterfly), do some sun bathing , mice catching, investigate whatever new things, that kind of stuff. I always thought...it's not fair. Why i didn't get to be like that, like a cat......of course the answer is clear...quite stupid i didn't get to it earlier actually XDDD

I was thinking, what god thought when he was creating me. He(/she/it) didn't make me a cat. He made me human. He gave me capabilities beyond a cat, a brain that could think logically and intuitively, with hands that can at least grab a pencil, what value did he saw in me.....that he think i could be "beyond a cat"?

Did he thought i could bring greater good than just catching mice?
(not to say greater, but DIFFERENT good...i guess)

Everything have it's value, heritage or not, building or not, people or not. It really depends on what people try to appreciate. What was my value to him?

Did i asked him to made me human when i was(if i was) a cat? So that i could walk, run, think, draw, enjoy, to live a life of greater experience and value? And now, ironically, i asked him to make me back to cat, because human, are complicated beings, and thinks was not like i imagine?

Don't be silly.
I don't want to be a cat. Cat can't do sketches.
I don't need to be a cat. I'm beyond a cat.

I am human. I am me.


I am complete =)

迷路

以为迷路多了，就会学会认路。
错。大错。大错特错。

不可能= =

因为我是靠感觉认路的，就像我在考试是靠感觉选答案一样。
来到陌生的地区，每条路都陌生啊~虽然感觉还是有差别，但还是认不出= =

对我来说，只有三种路。
离家的路，上学的路，回家的路。
不错简单的系统啊~

很多路我都不懂名字~但我就只有三种归类。
我可能迷路很久，绕圈圈。但每次都会找到回家的路^^

只是排出了很多原本可以省掉的二氧化碳= = （对不起地球）

我心中的友情

朋友只是路过的旅人。难得的是，这个旅人此刻的交心。
他就像匆忙的人潮中，一幅停顿下来的风景。
跟你打个招呼。看有什么可以拔刀相助的。
可能只是加油站。可能只是一壶香片，几句聊天，一打相片。
很简单，但你会突然重新发现，继续走那段路的力量。

=======================================================================

——嗯？走吧。
——走。
——走。
这是《阴阳师》中常见的对话，通常发生在博雅答应晴明一起去“见鬼”之前。
没错，是去见鬼，各种各样的邪祟。
朝臣源博雅，身份是武士。
年约三十六七岁，长得一副老实相，世袭三位高阶，行步举止颇有武士之风，长相却并不粗犷。
是什么样的男子，能和晴明这样的人推心置腹，夜间对饮，谈笑如常？
晴明见到的人每天不知道有多少，大部分有所求，有所惧，博雅似乎总是一个异数。

在式神的引领下走进土御门小路的安倍家，坐下来喝酒，赏庭院中的枯山水，说一些自己领悟的哲理，在晴明提到“咒”的时候抱头抗议……
晴明是永远微笑的，是喜欢捉弄人的，老实的博雅自然首当其冲，有些时候我很怀疑，晴明对博雅阐释“这也是一种咒”的时候充满了逗趣的心态——博雅的不解， 博雅的眉头紧锁，未必不是一种乐趣，就连正在阅读的我，也不由莞尔，从心里感谢晴明的恶趣味。~O(∩_∩)O~

如果一个人在被捉弄的同时仍然不生气，而捉弄的人也从不以为不敬，那么这两个人，就是一个词可以形容。

挚友。

神秘独居的白衣天文博士安倍晴明，与生性耿直深得圣眷的侍臣武士源博雅大人，就是这样一对挚友。
有外人在场时，晴明总是以恭敬正式的语气称呼“博雅大人”，而那位“博雅大人”，却总是身边没有随从，没有乘车，手提香鱼美酒，兴冲冲地赶到破败的小院里谈论奇闻趣事，且深以为自然。
是的，再自然不过了。去见自己平等的朋友，以什么面目，又何妨？

“如果我是妖怪？”
“晴明就是晴明吧。”
“哪怕你不是人类而是别的什么，就算你是妖怪，你还是你呀——”
我认识的，始终是你安倍晴明，不以别的什么，加诸你身。
“你为人身，我们一起欢饮，；若你非人，我也不会不跟你一道饮酒叙欢。
“只要你是晴明，我们就会一起痛饮，就是这么回事。”

博雅是善良之人。
“身姿迷人啊，美艳照人啊，仅仅是觉得伊人堪怜的一种借口吧——”
十二年前崛川河畔弹一把飞天琵琶的妙龄女子，如今岁月流痕，容颜大改，已有鬼深植心中，却仍是博雅心头的朱砂痣。眼角裂开，犬齿暴突……博雅抱她在怀，毫无迟疑。他晚了十二年，却仍在最后关头挽救了即将化为厉鬼的德子姬。
晴明的心性幻化不定，如果没有善良得一根筋的博雅，他也许会入歧途偏门。博雅不是诤友，从不曾给晴明什么逆耳忠言，但是博雅这样的人，就像一面镜子，默默地行走在你身旁，让所有的邪念无所遁形。

博雅是奇雅之人。天赋奇异，风雅绝伦。
他也许身为武士，不懂和歌这类幽静的文人之乐，但是博雅会吹笛子。
一柄名为“叶二”的笛子。从朱雀门鬼处得来，每当吹起，整个人便溶入了月光。晴明这样心高气傲的人，此时的眼中，也是毫无保留的激赏吧。
“博雅三位者，管弦之仙也。”
博雅曾为了听到蝉丸法师上网琵琶名曲《流水》和《啄木》而在法师郊外的住处潜心苦等三年，祈祷听到法师的弹奏，终于如愿后，不觉热泪滚滚。
都道知音难求，可谁有我博雅解此风流？
博雅会弹奏多种乐器，擅长填词作曲，却从不以此自许。
“予誓世世生生在在所所，生为以筝弹奏《万秋乐》之身。”
博雅本身，就是一件杰出的乐器，而身为世间少有的精品，乐器本身通常是没有这种自觉的。
无目的之征服，无相之征服。
博雅的笛声能宁馨鬼神，甚至会有诸鬼祈求他于每年某日某时沿街吹奏，以便诸鬼届时于暗处聆听。
博雅一定会信守这个承诺的，因为他是那么老实的一个人。
重然诺，轻利义，此之谓大丈夫。
他身上的音乐才华，已经可以庇护他人，庇护自己。
古今力挽狂澜者，为霸主。博雅并不曾生的吊睛虬髯，也不曾仰天长啸震慑四方，他只是，在不经意中，挽人心于崩坏，仿佛天地之维，自有威风。

博雅是聪慧之人。
他经常以奇异的方式理解天地万物，有时连晴明都慨叹“很多阴阳师都没有你明白的透彻。”

晴明应该是感到幸运的。一生中有这样的挚友，光风霁月，心地良纯，不容一丝渣滓。博雅在有意无意中帮了他许多忙。许多难题，非晴明独力能承担，有了博雅， 一切便有所不同。也许是无心的自言自语，也许是出人意料的举动，都是晴明脑中一闪而过的火花，照亮整件事情的错综复杂。所以，才会不止一次情不自禁地脱口 而出：“博雅，你真是一条汉子！”
这个耿直而始终相信人性的博雅，这心底磊落偶尔也会伤春悲秋的博雅，这个听到天籁会流下热泪的博雅，交付给晴明的，是一条汉子全部的信任。

有多少次，博雅只一句“走”就义无反顾地跟随，即使晴明脸色凝重，即使晴明深入虎穴，不能保证他的安全，他也从不踌躇。不管多好奇，不管有多少问题，只要晴明示意噤声，便绝不贸然开口，不管晴明在做多么悖于常理的事情，也绝不随意阻拦。

也绝不，让你孤身一人去犯险。

那是一种怎样的信任？能陪自己的朋友去加入百鬼夜行？晴明是阴阳师，是很优秀的阴阳师，他必然会完美地处理事情，必然会耐心解开所有疑惑，所以，不急在一时，所以，才会担心晴明的安危而忘记自己也在险境。博雅对晴明的信赖，基于友情，可以交托整个生命。
博雅是同晴明一样的奇才，他们的友情不计成本，无关身份，甚至——置生死于度外。

有友如此，夫复何求？http://book.douban.com/review/1926602/
 ========================================================================

这也是我所憧憬的友谊。
对我来说，好朋友并不需要天天粘在一起。但却还是做到“互相照顾”这一点。
彼此看到的是不同的天空，但会越看越辽阔。

最重要的一点是，绝对不会无视我。我最痛恨被人无视了~^w^~

Almost there?

I have went home!I mean...home coming at Georgetown Penang
and it makes me feel that as if i can love myself again.

And draw again.
Just draw.

Ugly. draw. beautiful. draw. funny. draw. whatever. draw. mistake. draw
Just DO.
Don't think "why?"

Why is in the conclusion, at the end of the road. Now we're just at the begining.

"其实你无法预料，你的作品能给世界的是什么

就因为无法预料……那正是最好的预料。"

"Be the change that you want to see in the world." ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Cheers~!My sifu always say...just do it.
I felt i finally understood today XDDD < slow learner

其实都无所谓

昨晚和大姐聊了不少。深深体会她追求知识的热情，他对成为一位“学者”的态度和重视。
曾经我也认为知识很重要，虽然理由和她不同。
其实我的理由，比她简单（或复杂？）得多。就是为了一个字。

“赢”

这就是我的理由。
我曾经认为只有知识可以让我出人头地，让以前看不起我的人，无视我的人大跌眼镜。
我曾经认为，人生的终点是“有出息”，有做过一些“伟大的事”，死亡才值得。

但我变了。
我发现原来我不是那么想赢。我不想竞争。
赢了，我还是我，只是多了空虚和牺牲。
输给别人也无所谓，输给自己也还可以。

没有东西是可以放在同一个线上比较的，就连自己也是。没有两个情况是一样的。
为什么？
用科学分析，每个实验，有三种变数：固定性，操从性，反应性。
但是现实中没有固定。
可以影响事情结果的变数也太多了。

比较根本没意义。赢并不能代表什么。只是包袱。

学习固然重要，不是为了赢，或许是为了自己。
但挑选要学什么也很重要。
学了之后，怎样运用知识，也很重要。
运用了知识，有什么成果，也很重要。


结果这么多事情都重要。

有人说，学习是为了让自己成为"更好的人“。
但事实上是变更好还是更差？
只是人随时间变了，谁又能真的决定好或差？谁又真的看得到？
其实都不重要。学习或否，更好或否。
这些都只是不同观点造出来的不同结论。

师傅也认为才华被埋没实在可惜。
埋没或否，也是观点。

到最后我终于明白，我所追求的。
我可以明明确确知道增加或减少，好或坏（至少现在我知道）
只有一样。

快乐。
我户口里唯一的存款。

如果雨后还是雨

常常听人说会雨过天晴的。
我想起的却是席慕蓉的《雨中的了悟》：

如果雨之后还要雨
如果忧伤之后仍是忧伤

请让我从容面对这别离之后的
别离  微笑地继续去寻找
 一个不可能再出现的你









谁说雨之后就一定会天晴呢？UvU
今天~~也下了一场雨呢~

诗

笼中
我原本
就属于流浪
不属于
世间凡尘

那为何
在笼中的却是我？

（给一个自称皇帝的人）

过桥
也只有风
晓得
为什么要一直一直吹下去

旋律  杂乱着
打乱天空的头发
好像淋一场雨 冷静

这秋天
依旧在萧瑟中    吹箫
述说落叶归根

谈何容易
在君子之交
做到淡如水的道理
搭一座桥
又不过去

    飞马2008

信任 trust

The fundamentals of friendship is trust. But between strangers, trust only happen if one person where to trust another first. Meaning it is a give and take event.
To gain one's trust, you must first being able to trust that person.

Trust only comes unconditionally from your parents.
But it will grow into expectations....because of that i have learn how to swim in the overflowing expectations of my parents and to find the hole for the water to flow out. Too much of something could upset the balanced easily.
Now. my sister is drowning in that expectation. I wanted to save her but it's not easy, as the solution is to change my parents perception of the world. And they are unwilling  to change that point of view.

"Student should do nothing but study. "

Ah well, but my sister is doing well at this rate. She'll always fight for any chance to play. Sometimes i do wish my previous self was more like her. After all...we should be the one to decide what's best for ourselves. Compared to her, i was the more obedient type. I'm a coward to stand for myself and fight for my worth.
So i do trust my sister that she would live up to her worth.

Anyway, i've been trying to remind myself to stop helping or saving anyone....unless i'm sure i could do it. Or things will end up badly. Sometimes i really tend to forget the limitations of a human being= =

I trust all my friends to some point. But most of them don't know much about me XDDDDD
My best friends can open their heart to me =) and we'll always be together because we are an important part of each other, even though we are separated physically, trying to achieve our own dreams. And we trust one another to lead our lives well. I wish i could quickly meet them again.

The rate of trust is directly perpendicular to the rate of friendship growth. 
Naturally where trust dies the friendship also dies.
My dad always tell me don't trust anyone completely = =
but there are people who i can always trust no matter what ^_____^~

i'm alive and i'm imperfect

from 'the world only god knows'
credits: mangafox.com

 

Today i'm complete not because i'm perfect.

But because i'm loved. ^___^

what is fei-ma and why 关于一只会飞的马

Fei-ma is my pen name. I've got quite some issues regarding this XDDD someone even thought fei-ma was a boy........(but i don't mind actually)
BCOS I'M BOYISH XDDDDD

Anyway.....fei-ma is the chinese pronunciation for "flying horse"~飞马

I've always love horses (back then).......but horse in real life don't have wings.....meaning "flying horse" is merely imagination....
and i think so are my dreams and ambitions.
The wings of the horse is just to represent the will power ,faith and hope.......something can't be seen with naked eyes...but still could be felt, as an energy and a crucial part of my dreams.

Believing in something is more important than what that thing truely is itself.
Because by believing...YOU can make it happen.

Thanks for reading this
and making part of my dreams



....just happen by believing

if i could love myself 如果我能爱自己的全部

It will be equilibrium.这就是平衡。

I would be complete.我就是完整。

Don't be afraid of making mistakes (2)

I really hate uncertainties.= =
How do i gain control over uncertain circumstances ?
_____________________________________________

Perhaps the point is not to gain control over it...but not to be controlled by it. Ally was right. It is inevitable. No one in this world can avoid change, and no one can completely gain control over it. Change is needed, change is a must. It has always been so and always will.
 The main point is to be in harmony with it.... ..change with it, not to say follow it. Change the route with it, but still making sure the destination is the same. Change the appearance to overcome it, change the strategy , change the flow....but make sure not to change the core, the main reason of the journey....there are vital things that shouldn't be change, like the purpose of doing something from the start.

Determination should not be changed.
The spirit is the same.

形式万变，本意不变。
师傅以前说过。只是我忘了XDD

爸爸会坚持

今天是星期日，但爸爸一早出门了，尽管外面的雨倾盆而下。昨天他说要回学校做一些事，就算雨下得这么大，还是坚持出发？

我在床上思绪繁多，醒来了无法回到刚才的梦。

仔细想想，爸爸一向都是会坚持踏上道路的人。不会因风雨而改变。

在那个我无法想象的很久以前，爸爸到底和婆婆公公过着怎样的生活。

每天早餐都吃白饭和蛋。

午餐每天都是白饭和一条小鱼。

一边上学一边工作。

晚上点着涂油灯读书。

雨稀里哗啦打在用铁板作的屋顶上。一整夜。

婆婆忙着喂猪，煮饭，顾家。公公出去干活（属于建筑类工作）。

印象中爸爸什么都会，修水管、订建木柜子、他还知道西餐应该几时用什么餐具（因为我都会不懂到底是哪个汤匙= =）他好像什么工都做过。

在308事件爸爸还在山脚下过一夜。

身为长子的爸爸有一个弟弟，五个妹妹。在兄弟姐妹中，只有爸爸读过大学。也是因为他的坚持，因为他知道有读书就不会那么辛苦。上大学的学费都是爸爸自己的储蓄。

其实我能明白为什么爸爸会不明白，觉得我修美术是何等荒唐的事。他一生的追求是给与家人良好的经济能力，至少要一份稳定的工作。而我因为身在经济能力好的环境中，珍惜的却是快乐这等东西。在以前的年代，我想爸爸从来没有选择做自己喜欢的事。他想要的，很简单，就是更好的生活。

爸爸说他很担心我以后后找不到饭吃。

以后的事我也不知道。我只能说出:“别担心啦。”这种没说服力的对白 = =。

对不起，让你担心了吧？是我任性了= = 但我不会后悔的。我从来没那么对自己有信心过。（当然其实我也怕，万一连自己喜欢的事情都做不好我无地自容了= =）

爸爸一向对我有很大期望。无论是学业上或生活上。他说过给我最好的环境，给我上最好的学校，看看我能奈在那里。（挑战我呀）虽然在一年前那些长年累积的希望有些崩溃了，感觉现在又慢慢在重新累积中。但爸爸有一天也突然跟我说，他很高兴有我这个乖女儿。其实我听了很想哭，但那是公共场所，所以还是忍了。

爸爸今天的自己是出于他的坚持。他是典型的“一定会爬到山顶”的类型，虽然一路也是跌跌幢幢。我不是没想过跟他走一样的路，毕竟喜欢稳定也是我的个性。可惜，以现在的场景看来，我真的不得不变，也算是命运。如果我想要“更好”，而不是“一样”。

直到现在婆婆公公给我的感觉还是很中庸方式的生活。每次去到婆婆家，那里的时光就是缓慢的一道风景，好像与世隔绝。尤其是现在，榴莲红毛丹果实累累的季节。

婆婆每次会说“想吃就自己采哦，不然厨房里也有。”“哦”

然后我就去站在树下欣赏一下那红绿参半的颜色。躲在他巨大的树阴下。

望上去看看这棵大树，回想一下他以前也只是颗种子。

吃了现场摘的红毛丹，手中握的是，另一颗种子。

这颗种子有一天也会。

Don't be afraid of making mistakes

"To live a creative life we must lose our fear of being wrong"---Joseph Chilton Pearce
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But i came to realise what i was afraid of  is not being wrong , but i was afraid the result is unknown, unpredictable, because no one have ever tried it before.
There is no reliable 'data' to research. No result to refer. Means there is a possibility of going to the "wrong" area.....if there is one.

 To me......this too "unsafe" to try.

Perhaps this is my personality problem.
"i" am actually operated by some kind of program of the past. Through my memory, i imitate everything i can recall. How my parents, my family, my friends react to something, slowly and surely,would become "me"
Not to say it's no good, but i didn't created that program, i just mimic from someone else, so it's not very original. I was born with originality, but slowly lose it as i grow.

And when i encounter something new, i realize i fail to proses the new data and fail to give respond. I cannot find any data from the past because this has never happen before.And again i observe how other people react to it and imitate.Perhaps i have never trust my gut, and i have never show anything that was my real feelings inside. My reactions are all programmed. They only come out if i have thought of it, programmed it, think that it is relevant. I filtered every outcome.

Normally, i would not step out of my comfort zone if there is a choice. In other words, i fear changes. Of course i know that i can change with it. But changing just because something has change  or changing with a reason is just like flowing water.....it will bring me away from my route! Will i still arrive at the destination i desire?
Guess i'm the type to stick to myself, even thought every other thing has change.
I'm really slow in realizing the need to change.

I seat in the same place every time on my school bus. Not really because i liked the view or something. Just because i was use to it. Getting used to something...is like creating a comfort zone. I feel reluctant to get out once i created that zone.

I do not fear being wrong.....but i fear uncertainties.

Over the years, i have developed a way of reading people, trying to get what they think and their possible actions, so that when they do it someday, i will not feel surprise.
Nothing is unexpected. Everything is under control and that's my aim. 

I really hate uncertainties.= =
How do i gain control over uncertain circumstances ?