My dad had a conversation with me again yesterday.
He asked, "So you didn't get dean list for last semester?"
A serious atmosphere wrapped me tidely and I replied," Yeah, I didn't."
And he said "It's gone, you're no longer top student."
He walked away as i replied, "It doesn't matter to me."
"It doesn't mean ANYTHING to me" (In respect to world CAPS LOCK day which is today)
And also, i've never really thought that i'm a "top student" or something exclusive,
only maybe, something that is always different, distord, weird and could not fit in.
I never see myself in that way, higher than others, instead it's pretty much the other way round.
And i think, probably it's because, winning is always someboby else's thing, It was never owned. You win when people look up to you, think that you're good, and probably envy you. So what? It probably have nothing to do with you and everything to do with their perception on you. It's not you anyway! It's not you at all! IT'S JUST THEM. It is assiociated with pride, strength, secure and ego.But since i got my SPM result i've get tired of someone else defination of "winning".
The common myth saying winning can bring happiness is not true. I am sure that everyone have won before. Did that bring everlasting happiness? Did it bring away all the fear?
Well, for me it certainly didn't.
After winning there is only emptiness and the strong maddening desire to win again and the strong fear of losing.In fact it's just worst than before.
There is no salvation or redemption in winning, neither should i seek an identity from the fact that i win. To me now, the only way to win is to enjoy each and everything i do.
I don't need other people to be proud of the fact that i win to make doing something meaningful. Everything that i experienced and enjoyed is meaningful in it's own way.
And that kind of winning doesn't ends, proof, just like that.
Enjoying is continuous, for people who are willing to do so.
It is always going on =)
