The blessing of a name

Today i learn to write my name, again.
Sitting quietly in the classroom,the only noise being the sound of a 2B pencil, like soft muttering from the past, i focus on writing my name.
Each letter on my paper is done with extreme care, cautious, and control.
Just like the first time i have ever hold a pencil, and my teacher tells the class,
"Today i want each of you to write your name."

ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP
I was a kid.
Everyone learns the same letters, until the day we write our names.
Until this day we realize, that each of us is actually unique.


Yes, i am in university.I went to class as usual today.
When the lecturer say take out the tracing paper, i took it out like usual.
When he said i want you to write your name, i thought it was a usual request.

But it was not.

We write our names everyday, without even realizing how.
Most of our names doesn't mean anything, when u try to find it in the dictionary, you'll see there no such word.It's just a bunch of letter arranged in an order.
And yet, it's very hard for us to think about those bunch of letters in the same way as "just letters" ever again.

So when i immersed in the silent of the classroom today,trying to see the beauty in my name, a thought suddenly light up(like a bulb,perhaps ) and i looked up to see everyone trying to finish their name.
And i was suddenly touched.And i thought, how many times do i get to do this?


Most people get to experience this only once.
When they are kids.
But perhaps i am really lucky.

I get to experience it twice.


A name is the third gift anyone could have, the gift of life being the first, and love being the second.A name is a symbol of a identity.
When i go lost in life, i would think, who am i?
The certain answer to that, is my name.
I am someone with a name.
What's my worth? Why do i even exist?
So that the name would have an owner, the owner would know their worth.
And when some people try to compare the owners of two different names, i would say, I am me and she/he is she/he.Why would we need to compare ourselves?

Naturally i think of my parents. I think of why they name me.
I think of when they call my name.
I think of a relationship, so proud that they must announce it in my name,so that there is evidence that we are connected.

And whatever i do, i remember the honour in my name.

Hey,you are someone special you know,not just so so so or passerby A , B or C. You are recognized and accepted by people and you are truly a unique element in the universe.

I know not many people think the way i do.
Yup, i am special starting from my name, but not only limited to my name.
And you know, characters that have names in a story means they are quite important.You get what i mean?

To tell you the truth, today in class, i was overwhelm with the past and present and future that seems to go through me, my body and soul.

How many chance in my lifetime do i get to sit down and do something like this again?
How many chance in my lifetime do i get to re-identify what i really meant to me?

The word that i wrote in everything i owned, that i couldn't find in the dictionary, that means nothing at all in terms of grammar and linguistic, that meant so much to me now, this word is what i would try to live up to.

I saw kids writing their names.Suddenly they know what to call each other.
Then more than a name came from a name.

Today i did not see people practicing typography. Instead,everyone was trying to build something.Something not seen by physical eyes, but has exist for a very long time.Something that is completely original, something that could never be copied, not even by the greatest power and highest skill.


The answer is you.
Realize that you never have to be the same with anybody else in this world,and also realize that they never have to be the same with you too.
     

理想生活-关于无法取代的爱情

新学期刚开始不久，我便经历频频的奇妙巧合。
遇到几个让我珍惜的人事物，得到从中学习的机会。
或许是我一直在等待也说不定。

加上我在大众书局遇到的有趣书本…………
这星期可说是收获良多。

关于稀土，我要说的是我终于明白我为什么会选择画画。
Perhimpunan hijau 不只是让我看到了大马异族人民的团结，也让我明白了我一直以来很困扰的问题。很多人问我，你明明可以做医生，做工程师，让人尊敬又能赚钱，何乐而不为?
是啊，这个举动是完全违背我的个性，喜欢安全感，沉稳，权力，喜欢被认同的个性。
也是完全违背我的思想，违背我的理念，违背我的生活方式的举动。
其实我也很好奇。或许我自己都不知道，真正的我，是如此勇敢为理想奋斗。
就算放弃从小时候建立的一切思考方式和习惯…………我都愿意。
我相信天生我材必有用。我相信世上每个人都有一个适合自己的岗位。
可能是命运，也可能是选择，更可能两个都是。
画画可以让我很直接的分享我的想法，我的心情和情绪。
对自闭自卑的我来讲，能够画画就是最好的礼物，因为它让我跨越沟通困难，也可以正确的表达情绪，而这两样都是我的弱点。
我想要创作的方向，是人人都可以达到共鸣，容易理解的图画。
比起化学和物理，和拯救人们的肉体；可能我对人感性的一面那种拯救，比较感兴趣。
可能也是为了治疗自己的心灵伤口，但是不管是什么因素，我对画画有着此生不渝的爱。

然后，我惊讶的发现了自身心灵的变化。
前几天在大学图书馆遇到投身义工行列的人，行了他们的讲解后，我决定加入他们。
我的责任每个星期给学习能力比较差的小学生进行一对一补习。
虽然我很清楚自己的功课量多，但我愿意量力而为的帮助这些人，邀请他们进入的我人生，因为我来大学不只是想要一份文凭和工作，也想要一个生活。
我不想重复的错过，空虚的度过任何一秒！我不想再重复我的中学生涯的自悲状态。
我爱生活，希望生活也会爱我。

真诚的友情，总是让我感到莫名的感动。
仅仅是一次深入的交谈，两人对彼此透露自己最最不为人知的秘密。
就像我们交换了最最珍贵的东西。
有这样信任我的朋友，支持我，关怀我，我很难相信世上有什么东西是我做不到的。
在你面前不用伪装的大笑大哭好像都无所谓，我明白有这样的朋友我是三生修来的福气。
宝~~太爱你了~~
以前的我，只要朋友比我好，我一定妒忌，或者暗中发誓要更努力赢过他。
可是现在，不了。如果是你活得比我好，我一定也会开心到流泪，也能感受深深的幸福，而为了能够配得起当你们的朋友而努力！虽然结果和以前一样，有被激励到，可是过程远远不同啊！

还有，《星守犬》这本漫画。
让我哭了两次。
我也突然明白为何我会爱上猫，觉得一辈子就算跟猫一起过就好了。其实狗也一样。
每当我望着小猫的眼睛，他那纯洁的眼神，不仅是可爱两个字就可以形容的。
动漫倒是有个贴切的形容，“愈疗系”。
在他那种充满包容，关爱，体谅和陪伴，仿佛我所做的错误都可以瞬间的得到原谅一般。
仿佛世界上的一切真假胜败都已经化为乌有，都已经无所谓了。
所以就算我这样一个人老去死去，都没有关系，只要我养猫，那些漫长的时光也可以慢慢变成享受。我和小猫如此彼此相爱着。或许是个变态的想法，但这是我所希望死去的方法。
这样就很幸福了。有些爱，说来奇怪，就连人类都不能给彼此，却能从动物身上学到。

右下角的就是《星守犬》
这些是用书卷买的>w< 

对我来说，任何跟面包和理性相反的东西，就是爱情了。
其实理想和生活有着不能分开的关系，我依然这么认为。

一个永远亮着的地方和一个方向

不知不觉我的大学生活已经走了一半。
比起那个勇敢为梦想踏出第一步的少年，现在的我多的只有对未来的恐惧。
虽然不想承认，但确实是如此。
没关系，一旦开始后我就会跟着激流前进，沉醉在旅程中毫不觉得痛。
因为未开始，才有多余的心去害怕。

新学期新目标！
我希望这个学期我能忠于自己的想法，尽管多幼稚都毫不廉耻，毫不怀疑的表达出来，不管教授是否认同。当然，是用很客气礼貌的语气去坚持自己的立场，而不是目中无人的态度。
第二，我希望我会更努力的去做我喜欢的事，尽管我做的不好，不被欣赏不被喜欢，也希望我可以做到让我乐在其中，足以让我忘记生活中其他悲伤和缺陷。我希望我会尽快找到我的风格……而不只是追求“美”，而是追求只有我能做到的美。
第三，我希望我会生活得比较有条理。别太过跟着情绪走。常常去运动，随心所欲去享受世界的景色。静静的明白为什么要上大学，没什么要做功课，静静地看到“一个成长的模式诞生”。
并且静静地知晓，我生在这个时代，是多莫的幸福。
理想与现实之间的冲撞，却让很多我的同辈们都拥有勇敢潇洒的意志力。他们向前追去的背影是我的模范。

纵使到最后我们对事情的结果没什么把握，过程却也幸福过。
如果可以得到让寂寞化做坚强的力量，一点一点地向前，不遑我度过此生。

我是不会被打败的

除非我败给的是自己。

那个以前的我每天浪费很多double A 的纸在画画。
极度想要得到认同，所以很努力的画。
对自己的笨拙很不安，所以不能停下。
没有人支持所以只能孤单却坚持的画。

今天的我富有了。
有朋友有画友所以安心了么，觉得不需要努力了。
还是习惯了，觉得继续努力也改变不了什么，反正高手怎么多我也不可能打败他们。

总是想要赢过别人的生活是空虚的。
想要得到认同的生活好像一场笑话。

不能随波逐流。就算是河也有不能容纳的时候，也有不能接受的改变。
接受自己的失败，接受自己的无助，
接受自己曾经对现实妥协。
因此才会有了这么美丽的痛楚。


但

从今以后…………

育婵
你的梦想是什么？

今天是人日

不管我长得多大，变得多强，在你们的眼里，
我始终一样。

每年新年，我和妹妹都负责布置家里外，有时会比较下心思，有时会抱怨。
于是每年都是用旧红包封，剪剪贴贴。这个朴素环保谦虚的方法，就可以为家里增添几分新年气氛。
简单又实际的设计，小小的挂在小小的树上，在小小的家门口，静静聆听小小的人们心灵对话。
其实是很矛盾的。想要证明自己有能力，让你们不要担心，但是如果可以也是想不负责任，不去努力，只是一味的接受你们的爱和保护。
所以，你们越照顾我，我就越不可能成长。在你们身边，很幸福，所以不需要成长，不需要变强。我可以一直依赖，而且你们也愿意。

然而，谁都想变强。
可是变强了就是一味着不能继续依赖你们。所以，真的要离开才可以吗？因为我有了自己想要的东西，想要冒险，去外面飞翔，因为这些梦想…………我不得不孤单？
就因为我有了自我，不再是以前的我，不再是听话，你们说什么都会毫不犹豫的认同的那个我。我想我确实变成了[固体]，固执、不再随意接纳，不再是[不管怎样都可以融合的形状]。
离开了，就表示会受伤，会挫折，会彷徨，到底下一步怎么做。自己想办法去过生活。

果然，放弃自己已经有的，去重新开始，是多么难的事。
但是我几乎是有了决定的。
其实答案已经明显了。在这个时候，我应该做的事情，我已经明白了。
我必须变强。

如果有一天我成为了某个地位甚高的设计师（众：想得美吧你），我想每逢新年我能做的也只是跟现在一样的，剪贴旧红包封。
因为没有比这个更适合的方法。
没有比这个更适合我的位置。
原来能力并不能跟爱的能力达成正比。

因为能力可以轻易的衡量。
而爱，始终是爱。从开始到结束，不是理所当然，但也不会轻易改变。更不会，因为能力而改变。

或许爱起来很难。
但不去爱，就更难。

对自己负责任，也是对家人负责任的一个方法吧？
我是去翱翔，但也是永远属于你们。


我们会再次跨步吧？
就像曾经的第一次
就算我们已经经遗忘
如何走路
甚至认为自己已经没有那种能力
但，我们会
再次跨步

向前

是你们的爱让梦想有了可能性。

飞马 ……你的寂寞就是我的寂寞

飞马并没有失踪。
离开的人，是你，育婵。

但是，我回来了。
我们
一起

在一起

从新来过好吗？

我爱你^^

再也不会离开你了…………

这些日子辛苦你了，对不起…………*抱

Follow your master

It's been so long since i felt like these few days, i can't even remember.
Anyway, any of you who don't like manga and anime can just skip this post.Wahaha~
Well, it's been a long time until i felt like i was taught by a manga again.
Or perhaps i should say that, since i found a manga worth "following"again.

When i was in primary school i was so shy and quite, i barely have any friends.
Despite this situation, i was not alone, cos everyday i was with Doraemon.
Through Nobita and Doraemon, i learned the means of true friendship even though i have no real experience.
Through Shin Chan, understand family love and humour, although not all families work that way.
But reading a manga, is like experiencing a totally different life and discover a totally different self.

The manga i was deeply stuck into recently is Nurarihyon no Mago (译：滑头鬼之孙）
i guess what reli matters when reading a manga is not really the manga itself, but the thoughts seeds that begin to grow in your mind. It a reli well done manga with all the action and stuff, but the world view of the manga was the most fascinating~
But i came to realise that the youkai(译：妖怪）world was not much different from our real world, if not being harder to survive.
There are so many types of youkai, perhaps even countless, but the youkai does not seem to bothered by the differences in each other, instead they actually enjoy and appreciate the power of each other's unique ability, no matter strong or weak. Compared to human, which is of only one human race and just 5 major ethnicity,but still fighting each other for something call skin colour. This make me humblely respect the youkais. Or perhaps it is really the problem of the leader.


It is said that a youkai is born from the emotion of humans. Mostly from fear, but also from blessings, jealousy and many other emotions.Well, this is the part that makes the story quite interesting too.After all, isn't it interesting if what we thought everyday could really create an existence of something?

And not to mention, the leader of a hundred youkai sure is cool *fan girl screams*
How i would like to have such kind of master too....surely i don't mind fighting to death.Ahaha~
Spontaneous and unpredictable, but if there is must to fight, it is not to insult others or to mean that only one of the black or white could exist, instead, fight to find a means of existence that is suitable for both.


In real life....i also had many masters.
Now i think of it, my first masters are my parents.
And then my sifu.
But now myself.


I guess have found a new master to follow, to make a role model.
<3 A virtual character......aha. It might sound silly, but why am i so happy? XDDDD

I'll follow you forever master! >w< 

The symbols on the back is to represent  the "burden" being carried by leader. It is actually the prove of  master of a hundred youkai.

matoi is the fear of a leader combine with another youkai (mostly  one of his clan members/friends)

So carefree is this leader=w=

Nurarihyon(grandfather,youkai) and Nura rikuo (grandson,quater-youkai)

I greatly recommend this manga to all action lovers <3
btw, i fall in love with this drawing style too. Who would thought rough lines(dry brush?) could be so beautiful~~fufufu~~