why do we feel bad when we are selfish?/圆滑的人格和当下

上完课，我走回车子，打算回去宿舍。
刚刚和朋友讲话都差点忘了自己又驾车来上课，差点去塔巴士了~
只是因为阿塞门留到最后一秒才拿去印刷，才会有必要出动小银鹿（我的kancil的名字）。
而因为这种不安，我提早一小时去印刷然后去上课，估计时间应该来得及。

还好事情都顺利，只是印刷到有点瑕疵，字体稍微移位了，但我也不管了，照交。
要回的时候，看到车子前面的挡风镜上，有人留下一份礼物给我。
看了礼物，我有点打击，失落感莫名萌生。

我静静的拿下它，折起来，收起来，然后驾车回宿舍。
一路上情绪起伏不定。

为什么人，会因为自己做了错事，或者被人说自私，就感到自责和闷闷不乐呢？
我接受，我不完美，甚至是常常做错事吧。
然而我也无法怪别人，因为这位人士的心情我了解，就是因为了解，大概才会放不下吧。
感觉自己给别人添麻烦，贬低自我价值，我陷入思考的牢狱。
在想，我错了吗？我错了吗？我不是故意的，可是还是害到人家。
我，可以原谅自己吗？

语言是刀刃，开始质疑自己是不是真的像别人说的，因为通常别人才能看到自己看不到的事实的另一面。我真的是如此吗？如果是，我的存在，不是在让世界变得更差劲更困难？就因为像我这样的人存在，世界才会这么可怕？我是不是没有存在价值？
认为自己自私，就是违反“为别人而活的宗旨”，或许是如此，才会失落。也代表不被整体需要的假象， 分裂，觉得自己和整体是分开的。

因此，我自责，我全然投入在这种感觉中。是负面的力量，但是，只有全然的体会，去感受，才有可能放下和抽离。我摸摸小猫（宝物）的头，心想我为什么这样啊，原来我对别人只是祸害啊。

但是，在停车的时候， 我只是自己啊。我满脑子都在担心阿塞门的事，没有心去管我是不是有好好停车。我不算是活在当下，因为我带着满脑子的杂念。深怕万一有什么差错我就交不成阿塞门那该怎么办啊。但是，我带着杂念，是因为这是有必要适当带着杂念的时候。如果每个人都应该在适当的时候做适当的事情，那么我就应该在求学时期烦恼我应该烦的事。
我没有享受当下的本钱，虽然我有这种本能，因为我不是和尚，我需要面对很多生活的现实面。

我感觉就像自己是一只在人类走廊上大便的小猫。是，我会给住附近的人填麻烦，因为我的便便很臭，但是我只是照本能去做，甚至做了还觉得很爽。我会自责么？
不可能，也不需要。
猫不会自责。

但是换作诗人，会自责，会羞耻。
因为我们有自我价值，因为我们有判断能力。
因为有头脑。

头脑对主人来说，是永远的笼子；好念头，坏念头都一样。

没有头脑真幸福啊，我继续摸摸宝物的头想着。但是我心里已经没有刚才那么不好受了。宝物可以给我无条件的爱，无条件过来用头轻轻摩擦我的脚，粘我，宠我，对我撒娇，听我诉苦。

当然，所有关系都是两方面的。我也必须无条件的爱它，才能感受到无条件被爱的幸福。

也是很感谢写这张便条的人，让我心灵成长不少。毕竟那么敢作敢言的人，在这里也不常见。
在做这件事时，我从来没有想过会给别人添麻烦。没有想要无私，也没有想要自私。
所以我不接受你说我自私这件事。但是，以后会注意和提高警惕。

因为关于爱，我还需要学习更多。

如果可以帮其他人，也未尝是一件好事。感谢你让我对自己的一举一动更有知觉。

我们或许不知觉害了人，也或许不自觉帮了人吧。除非你幸运（像我一样幸运=P），否着你不会知道你所做的事情，对别人来讲已经改变了他的生活。

自私是为了存活，无私也是为了存活。
只是如何去存活，去爱，如何去对别人的感受敏感，我们都还要学习。

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但是，更深入地想一想，如果今天，我因为有向前一步，让你刚好有位子停车，你，会留一个感恩的字条，而不是抱怨的字条吗？
还是你会认为这是理所当然的？

神

"yang baik itu datangnya dari tuhan."
我一直记得这句话，是因为我不明白这句话。
太莫名其妙了。

但是现在，或许看到了吧。
默默付出，不求回报的爱；为别人而活，没有私心，不去自我保护；
这样的爱，绝对是来自神明的爱啊。

而我，也确确实实的经历过这种爱。
父母就是神在世上的实体。
我的父母，虽然不是理想的心体和一的人，但他们所教导我的事，都是希望我能比他们更强，更成功。他们希望我能过物质丰富的生活，以后有钱好办事，我……不该怪他们不能理解我的内心。他们的爱是用他们的形式来表达，为了让我得以生存，不会在本能的竞争中失败、被淘汰，他们一直都预备着。他们走过贫困的时代，知道穷的痛苦，所以才会追求钱财保障。我生在这个富裕的时代，人人有饭吃，却不满足的矛盾时代，所以我追求不一样的东西。我看到的是矛盾分裂的痛苦和虚荣心、贪心、人心冷漠的空虚和悲痛。就因为不必烦恼衣食住行，我才可以静下心来，想想什么才是人生最重要的东西呀。为此机会，我必须好好感恩我的父母给我这个空间。

神活在我们之中，因为每个人是因为爱才诞生的。 我们都不是自己以为的自己，因为神明的真谛是不能用理性和感性的头脑来辩论的。只有当我们享受当下，放下自己过去的伤痛和回忆，我们才真正能够活在神明里。“好的东西都来自神”，这句话没有错呀。

我是无神论者，因为我不相信神有一个人的形状。我相信神是人的内心。神是一种创造万物的能量，联系万物的使者。

The blessing of a name

Today i learn to write my name, again.
Sitting quietly in the classroom,the only noise being the sound of a 2B pencil, like soft muttering from the past, i focus on writing my name.
Each letter on my paper is done with extreme care, cautious, and control.
Just like the first time i have ever hold a pencil, and my teacher tells the class,
"Today i want each of you to write your name."

ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP
I was a kid.
Everyone learns the same letters, until the day we write our names.
Until this day we realize, that each of us is actually unique.


Yes, i am in university.I went to class as usual today.
When the lecturer say take out the tracing paper, i took it out like usual.
When he said i want you to write your name, i thought it was a usual request.

But it was not.

We write our names everyday, without even realizing how.
Most of our names doesn't mean anything, when u try to find it in the dictionary, you'll see there no such word.It's just a bunch of letter arranged in an order.
And yet, it's very hard for us to think about those bunch of letters in the same way as "just letters" ever again.

So when i immersed in the silent of the classroom today,trying to see the beauty in my name, a thought suddenly light up(like a bulb,perhaps ) and i looked up to see everyone trying to finish their name.
And i was suddenly touched.And i thought, how many times do i get to do this?


Most people get to experience this only once.
When they are kids.
But perhaps i am really lucky.

I get to experience it twice.


A name is the third gift anyone could have, the gift of life being the first, and love being the second.A name is a symbol of a identity.
When i go lost in life, i would think, who am i?
The certain answer to that, is my name.
I am someone with a name.
What's my worth? Why do i even exist?
So that the name would have an owner, the owner would know their worth.
And when some people try to compare the owners of two different names, i would say, I am me and she/he is she/he.Why would we need to compare ourselves?

Naturally i think of my parents. I think of why they name me.
I think of when they call my name.
I think of a relationship, so proud that they must announce it in my name,so that there is evidence that we are connected.

And whatever i do, i remember the honour in my name.

Hey,you are someone special you know,not just so so so or passerby A , B or C. You are recognized and accepted by people and you are truly a unique element in the universe.

I know not many people think the way i do.
Yup, i am special starting from my name, but not only limited to my name.
And you know, characters that have names in a story means they are quite important.You get what i mean?

To tell you the truth, today in class, i was overwhelm with the past and present and future that seems to go through me, my body and soul.

How many chance in my lifetime do i get to sit down and do something like this again?
How many chance in my lifetime do i get to re-identify what i really meant to me?

The word that i wrote in everything i owned, that i couldn't find in the dictionary, that means nothing at all in terms of grammar and linguistic, that meant so much to me now, this word is what i would try to live up to.

I saw kids writing their names.Suddenly they know what to call each other.
Then more than a name came from a name.

Today i did not see people practicing typography. Instead,everyone was trying to build something.Something not seen by physical eyes, but has exist for a very long time.Something that is completely original, something that could never be copied, not even by the greatest power and highest skill.


The answer is you.
Realize that you never have to be the same with anybody else in this world,and also realize that they never have to be the same with you too.