Wednesday, March 27, 2013

这几天,感觉特别难熬,情绪浪涛汹涌,完全控制不了。
我都已经不知道,我已经哭了几次。
可以因为小事情大哭一场,其实就是我本来的个性。
只是很多时候我喜欢假装自己很成熟很坚强,假装我不需要别人的关心和帮助。
因为我想要成为的是能够帮助别人的人。
也是因为这是我被训练成的样子。
也是因为一般人不懂该如何应付一个落泪的人。
不希望,给别人麻烦。因为我也不会解释,而他们也什么都不懂。
掉泪,可以减轻压力,当已经没有语言可以发泄。

可是这几个星期,特别难熬。幸好我室友晚上都不在,我才能好好释放自己的情绪压抑。
这就是压力的高峰么?
可能我太好命,就受那么一点苦,受那么一点挑战我都快崩溃。
这时候,放弃看起来是多么的诱人。放弃了是不是就可以解放?

说真的,没到最后一个学期,不可能想象得到这种情况。
总觉得现在我的生活里所有变数都是我不能掌控的。就好像我不是自己的。
超级怀疑自己的能力。你们教了我什么,现在却期望什么,这根本是……无力。
无能为力,也不知该如何继续。那种绝望。
我才知道,为什么学长们做出来的东西,水准都不高。
基本上,负面能量指数超标。而你会发现,真的不是你一个人的问题。

当然不否认我也有错。我觉得,当初是我,对自己的想法不够坚持。
毕业后,我一定坚持。我不会再让自己被现实的线索紧紧地缠住。
我不会再妥协。如果我继续那么做,拜托你们一巴一巴的打醒我。

有时候,无法成为你们想要的,我很辛苦。
但有时候,无法成为你们想要的,我很幸福。

因为我和你们不同的地方,就只有如此。

父母是我的神。他们是给与我生命的神。
而画画大师们也是我的神,他们让我通往自己的心灵世界,治愈我的痛苦,分享他们的喜悦。
而朋友们也是我的神,他们陪伴我,关心我,也可能背叛我,但他们都各教我不同的东西。

但是,现在我只能成为我自己的神。很多事情,都要从自己出发。
加油啊!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

where do i go from here?

Looking back at the past, i am truely thankful for all those things, the beautiful little things.
For those feelings which is gone forever, and the people in it, i will always remember how you all make me feel. And for those who are still by my side, always breathing live into me and my artwork, always cheerful and support me, seing the greatness in me which i often doubt myself, i love you all more than i can say. Thank you again.

But don't mistaken memories as something that could have control over the current me. The present is a totally different thing, different circumstance, uncomparable to the conditions in the past. And it's a blessing that many of you can understand that. The past me may be good or vise-versa but it doesn't concern the present me at all.

I do not deny the past, neither do i agree with it. It is the past, and that is all, it does not define me. Even the present me does not define me.

Here. This place this time is the present. Stuggling, perhaps, in this time of chaos, where suddenly expectations is higher than my ability. And perhaps, not doing the passionate thing, the desirable design is just making it tougher. Perhaps, i am just a selfish artist that wants to share with  the world my views, not as a objective solution for the "mass population" or "mass culture". I am more of a fan of sub-cultures. I discriminate, and only want to speak to the people who speaks like me.

Not too long along, i recall, perhaps, i was also asking myself the same question. Where do i go from here? The me, who define myself in only terms of academic results, who sees myself as an empty vessle (and truely i am) where people pour liquid (ideas) in, who believed everyone but didn't really see the involvement in that, me the silent observer. Observe, but did not reflect.

The encounter brought me the answer, though until today, i do not know whether correct or wrong. Something close to a miracle that i never expected. I guess i just went with the flow, there was no senses in the decision, but intuition.

I realize that not only me, but you also view it that way. Where an event happend, and time is suddenly divided into 2 parts, before the event and after the event. It's like BC and AC in the human history. I thought it was just me, really.(cause i'm always having weird thoughts and see weird things)
But it is a blessing, nevertheless, to have meet you.

Perhaps no one would ever understand. They won't if they try to use logic thinking. Some happiness are just direct realization, they hit you like a lighting, for no apperent reason. Like an idea. You don't question an idea. You write it down and see if it's the workable solution. And that kind of happiness is accepted, without much consideration.

Perhaps it's not "thank you"but something more. Which might not have a name yet. But i will have to hold on for now, because i believed that you believed in me the same way. And for that believe i cannot give up. Because, i wanted to know, me. I wanted to know the real me.

I don't blame people if they don't understand. If they saw how i and you was back then, and how we gone through all that, they would have understand. If they know how we saw each other, real and without denial, honest and humble, perhaps the worst and the best in ourselves that we could not hide. Even without a physical veil. I know we both have worked hard. If not, we couldn't have grown so much.

I almost feel normal, though i know i'm not XDDD
But it's good, to be able to make friends, and go beyond the limits of myself.

I challenge myself everyday. To change and accept things i thought i would never accept.
And to see myself in that.

I don't know where is my destination. But i know it's a great journey.
And I'll enjoy the view.


I can give up my plan to answer my callings.



While i'm alive and have the chance.
That's all that matters.

To me, to you.
We don't have to hope it's a great journey.
We know it's a great journey.



Thursday, March 7, 2013

有些答案,只留给懂得的人。

我不喜欢“注定”这两个字。
很多东西看似注定,其实是自定。

跟一些人说太多,实在无意。
因为彼此的世界实在太太太不同了,说什么,都不是对方能明白的。
每句话,每个词都是每个人用对自己有益的方式去翻译。
每个东西都是可以被扭曲的物品。
而我们也未必察觉到,这个扭曲。
这就是每个人只属于自己的“主观世界” 。

而我想照自己的方式去了解,也是徒劳无功。
因为不可能理解得到。
那就不理解了。

反正大自然有自己的解决办法。
反正,我,已经,不是,以前那个,太太太容易被被人影响的我了。
没事的!

叛逆的种子,幼稚的种子,种得太深,如今才发芽。
但也不算太迟。
来的刚好啊。

就算有一些不理解我的人给我带来伤害,也是万幸。
那样我才会更珍惜理解我的人,可以分享我的喜悦悲伤的人。
不管前者后者,真的,谢谢你们。

谢谢你们让我迷失,让我痛苦,让我跌跌撞撞才能找到
我真实的自己。
让我发现原来我宁可失去一切,也要保住这个答案。

不管以后会失去什么,我都不会放弃,去知觉这个自己。
答案已经在了,唯独缺少能发现的眼。