where do i go from here?

Looking back at the past, i am truely thankful for all those things, the beautiful little things.
For those feelings which is gone forever, and the people in it, i will always remember how you all make me feel. And for those who are still by my side, always breathing live into me and my artwork, always cheerful and support me, seing the greatness in me which i often doubt myself, i love you all more than i can say. Thank you again.

But don't mistaken memories as something that could have control over the current me. The present is a totally different thing, different circumstance, uncomparable to the conditions in the past. And it's a blessing that many of you can understand that. The past me may be good or vise-versa but it doesn't concern the present me at all.

I do not deny the past, neither do i agree with it. It is the past, and that is all, it does not define me. Even the present me does not define me.

Here. This place this time is the present. Stuggling, perhaps, in this time of chaos, where suddenly expectations is higher than my ability. And perhaps, not doing the passionate thing, the desirable design is just making it tougher. Perhaps, i am just a selfish artist that wants to share with  the world my views, not as a objective solution for the "mass population" or "mass culture". I am more of a fan of sub-cultures. I discriminate, and only want to speak to the people who speaks like me.

Not too long along, i recall, perhaps, i was also asking myself the same question. Where do i go from here? The me, who define myself in only terms of academic results, who sees myself as an empty vessle (and truely i am) where people pour liquid (ideas) in, who believed everyone but didn't really see the involvement in that, me the silent observer. Observe, but did not reflect.

The encounter brought me the answer, though until today, i do not know whether correct or wrong. Something close to a miracle that i never expected. I guess i just went with the flow, there was no senses in the decision, but intuition.

I realize that not only me, but you also view it that way. Where an event happend, and time is suddenly divided into 2 parts, before the event and after the event. It's like BC and AC in the human history. I thought it was just me, really.(cause i'm always having weird thoughts and see weird things)
But it is a blessing, nevertheless, to have meet you.

Perhaps no one would ever understand. They won't if they try to use logic thinking. Some happiness are just direct realization, they hit you like a lighting, for no apperent reason. Like an idea. You don't question an idea. You write it down and see if it's the workable solution. And that kind of happiness is accepted, without much consideration.

Perhaps it's not "thank you"but something more. Which might not have a name yet. But i will have to hold on for now, because i believed that you believed in me the same way. And for that believe i cannot give up. Because, i wanted to know, me. I wanted to know the real me.

I don't blame people if they don't understand. If they saw how i and you was back then, and how we gone through all that, they would have understand. If they know how we saw each other, real and without denial, honest and humble, perhaps the worst and the best in ourselves that we could not hide. Even without a physical veil. I know we both have worked hard. If not, we couldn't have grown so much.

I almost feel normal, though i know i'm not XDDD
But it's good, to be able to make friends, and go beyond the limits of myself.

I challenge myself everyday. To change and accept things i thought i would never accept.
And to see myself in that.

I don't know where is my destination. But i know it's a great journey.
And I'll enjoy the view.


I can give up my plan to answer my callings.



While i'm alive and have the chance.
That's all that matters.

To me, to you.
We don't have to hope it's a great journey.
We know it's a great journey.